There was this…

How far might we go in pursuit of humour? I ask this innocent question having been harangued by a young woman after making a silly remark at the expense of a far-eastern country of which, in all honesty, I know little, and which I dare not name for fear of reprisals. How, I asked, can I be expected to take a country that eats sushi seriously? Why should I not express doubts over the sanity of a people that insists on eating a fish so poisonous that only certified chefs may prepare it, leading to a number of deaths every year? Thinking my points entirely reasonable, you will imagine my surprise at the wild eyed response aimed in my direction by the Canadian actress I had, up to that point, considered as harmless as a woman can be. Which, of course, is not very,

Far too many countries take themselves far too seriously. This is a dangerous state, leading to dangerous States, leading to chaos, destruction, and Macdonald’s restaurants. All right, so perhaps the use of Macdonald’s and restaurant in the same sentence is unacceptable, but you get my drift. I would suggest that civilisation, as we know it, can only survive if we tease each other mercilessly. National characteristics are generally amusing, sometimes hilarious, and often faintly ridiculous, and yet they help to make us the individuals we are. As such, we should not be afraid of them but celebrate them, even if it enables the rest of the world to laugh at us.  This can even apply to Canadians, despite the regular humour bypass operations carried out in Quebec hospitals. (Have you ever seen, ‘Kids in the Hall’?)

I have never been entirely sure of Canadians. They would seem to be a simple people intent on communing with the earth and exporting sporting stars to the United Kingdom. They collect maple syrup, play delightful games such as ice hockey, have been known to allow their cousins across the border to make cut-price television programs in Vancouver, and entertain the world with their comic politicians. Who will ever forget Pierre Trudeux and his pantomime family? How the continental sophisticates of middle-of-nowhere Canadian provincial life amused us all with their wild ideas of a Free French state, distributing baguettes and soft cheese all round, and with vineyards as far as the buffalo could roam. Sadly, Canadian wine never did catch on as the local Grizzly bears developed a taste for both the grapes and growers, and Brie could never really take the place of blubber and elk antlers in the native North American diet. This begs the question of what is Canada all about? The answer would seem to be that it’s about being terribly worldly and serious.

I have often thought of Canada as a kind of USA with a conscience, and no little culture. The literary world is inhabited, almost entirely it would seem, by Canadians, theatre directors with new and thrilling ideas pour forth from cosmopolitan North America at a fearful rate, and both Jazz and intelligent rock music owes a great debt to the descendants of the Hudson Bay Company. Canada, it could be supposed, is awash with artistic, critical and scientific talent, but the worrying thing is that they are losing the ability to use that most basic of tools, that most essential of all human skills, irony. They are, in short, becoming Americans.

Now, would it be so bad if Canada were to become the 51^st State? It would lead to some jealousy in Britain, where certain members of the lunatic fringe have been striving to achieve this status since Margaret Thatcher began her ‘special relationship’ with Ronald Reagan. What a wonderful couple they made, ex-matinee idol and back street brawler, like two characters from a bad horror film they terrified the world with their threats and cajoling. They took us all to the brink before someone removed his batteries, hid her flick-knife and false teeth, and restored us to the normality that was Bill Clinton and John Major. (They also had a ‘special relationship’, but Hilary and Norma knew all about it.) The advantage in this new arrangement for the US is that Canada has vast tracts of wilderness, huge areas of natural beauty, just waiting for the finishing touches that only an oil company can add. What can be better than an hour or two of Moose spotting whilst delighting in the nobility of an oil pipeline? Better still, add to your memories of the family picnic by holding it in the shadow of a concrete tower belching black smoke and carbon monoxide? It doesn’t stop there of course. If Esso or Texaco didn’t fancy setting up a refinery or two in the more desolate parts of the Northern Provinces, what better use could be made of the area than as a ‘not really a prisoner of war’ camp, so beloved of the Bush Administration? Or perhaps it’s time that Disney opened a theme park North of the Arctic Circle? Mind you, the differences between a prison camp and Disney World are so minimal that it should actually be possible to combine the two without too much trouble, and without anyone noticing.

But let’s say, for arguments sake, that for whatever reason the people of Canada, ungrateful lot, decide against the ‘US Solution’. How do we return them to the fun-loving, comedy festival holding chaps we know they used to be? Does the answer lie in funnier education, with laughter and joke classes for the under sixteen’s? Or should they, perhaps, pursue a farcical approach to world affairs? They could follow the example of the French, for instance, who have attempted for years to appear ridiculous on the world stage. But while they have succeeded up to a point, they have yet to show any discernible sense of humour.

No, it would seem that there is no clear path to our goal of comic nirvana. Instead, we must strive to bring laughter and fun to the sad eyed many we may meet on our travels. I, for one, still hope to see a smile begin in a certain Canadian actress’s eye, a flicker of response to a joke or a tale, instead of a steely stare and an unsaid threat. I have recently been told a funny story that might just do the trick. Would you like to hear it? Oh, all right, there was this Englishman…

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